The Golden Kraut

He doesn’t work out — promise.

Reasons for Beaniness (straight from the mouth of our Big Cheese):
“Despite starting in a new city during an economic downturn, Kurt has worked relentlessly to keep sales coming in.  He is a role model as a team member — always with a positive attitude and ever-welcoming smile — as well as a role model family man — knowing how to balance life at work and home.  As many of his peers said, Kurt is an awesome guy to work with, a pleasure to have around the office, and fully deserving of the Silvery Beans.”

Quote:
Just like getting a title on your first business card after college graduation, I too have ‘graduated’ to a new status in life. I have arrived! Thanks, Silvery Beans, for making me popular again!
Describe the myriad ways your life has changed since winning Silvery Beans.
I’ve always said ‘Life is too short to drink cheap beer.’ With the fame and accolades I’ve received since winning the Silvery Beans, no more will I have to consume yellow, fizzy, swill. I’m rich, B!%@#es!    

Pick one: Silvery Beans or eternal life. Please explain your choice.
Eternal life. I love being the ‘tallest midget’, but if I picked Silvery Beans, I may die before I win the coveted Golden Kraut!

Some people have said that winning Silvery Beans is a much lesser degree of awesome than winning Golden Kraut. Please explain how these people are completely wrong.
Thankfully, I wasn’t the last kid picked in kickball games. Maybe it’s ’cause I wasn’t a dummy. Therefore, I’m smart enough to know that Silvery Beans don’t trump the Golden Kraut. But I’m also smart enough to know that the Kraut winner would be F@#%ed if a vampire or werewolf showed up…I win!     

If we were to write a hit country song about Silvery Beans, what would we title it?
“You can’t polish a turd, but you can shine a bean!”